A Keep It Simple Stew
Some basic rules that stewed in my head today that I believe can make life simpler and easier.
1. There's only a few people who truly need cellphones or pagers: Hookers, drug dealers, bike couriers and real estate agents.
As for the rest of us--come on--is there anything that important that we need to talk on the phone in the subway, on the bus, in the car or at a restaurant? Throw the phone in the lake. You'll feel better.
2. Stop watching so much TV. Honest. Think of the hours of your life that have been spent in front of the boob tube. Are you any smarter or wiser knowing who killed J.R., or who Rachel chose over Ross and Joey? Does it really matter who Donald Trump picks? In short: sitcoms make us feel fat and ugly and the news makes us feel scared. Turn it off, go sit on a bench in the park and read a book.
3. The only people who should wear matching tracksuits are athletes walking around the Olympic village during the Games. Everyone else, ditch them. You look ridiculous.
4. The only people who should regularly go to tanning salons are strippers. (Or chain smokers who are trying to look "healthier"; the raspy-voiced, wrinkled nicotine addict simply must have a nice golden hue.)
5. If you are one of those people who is always told, "you give crummy directions", it's probably because you don't know how to read a map. Learn which way North and South and West and East are. It's much easier than saying "go left here, and right there."
6. Resist the urge to rage on the road. As long as you don't die, it's not worth trying to educate someone on how they should drive. Screeching at someone through a near-soundproof car window and giving the finger at 120km/h on the highway won't teach them anything. Let it go. Life's short enough.
7. No matter how funny they sound in private, no one likes a public fart once you pass the age of 11. Once you hit twelve, hold it in until you can be alone. Then, let it rip.
1. There's only a few people who truly need cellphones or pagers: Hookers, drug dealers, bike couriers and real estate agents.
As for the rest of us--come on--is there anything that important that we need to talk on the phone in the subway, on the bus, in the car or at a restaurant? Throw the phone in the lake. You'll feel better.
2. Stop watching so much TV. Honest. Think of the hours of your life that have been spent in front of the boob tube. Are you any smarter or wiser knowing who killed J.R., or who Rachel chose over Ross and Joey? Does it really matter who Donald Trump picks? In short: sitcoms make us feel fat and ugly and the news makes us feel scared. Turn it off, go sit on a bench in the park and read a book.
3. The only people who should wear matching tracksuits are athletes walking around the Olympic village during the Games. Everyone else, ditch them. You look ridiculous.
4. The only people who should regularly go to tanning salons are strippers. (Or chain smokers who are trying to look "healthier"; the raspy-voiced, wrinkled nicotine addict simply must have a nice golden hue.)
5. If you are one of those people who is always told, "you give crummy directions", it's probably because you don't know how to read a map. Learn which way North and South and West and East are. It's much easier than saying "go left here, and right there."
6. Resist the urge to rage on the road. As long as you don't die, it's not worth trying to educate someone on how they should drive. Screeching at someone through a near-soundproof car window and giving the finger at 120km/h on the highway won't teach them anything. Let it go. Life's short enough.
7. No matter how funny they sound in private, no one likes a public fart once you pass the age of 11. Once you hit twelve, hold it in until you can be alone. Then, let it rip.
1 Comments:
Stewed Rules:
1. But it's technology, the very thing that is going to bring salvation to the human race. Can't you see the importance of a 13-year-old blathering on about how awesome Chad is to her peers, or of a decision-impaired husband rattling off titles at Blockbuster to his wife at home? We have to talk NOW, and about NOTHING. We must feel CONNECTED - at every possible moment, or at least have the technology strapped to our belts in a little leather case.
2. Actual THINKING is no longer applicable to the modern masses (the higher-ups like it that way). I'm not talking about doing your job or paying attention while driving, that's not thinking, that's automation. You don't even need the book, just go sit in the park, on the grass -- it's real.
3. Aren't matching tracksuits just the urban equivalant of the business "Power Suit"? Power to the people.
4. I once went to a tanning salon one January when I was about three shades whiter than milk and feeling very gross -- I needed light! (We don't get winter sunshine on the West coast). Tanning salons are almost like miniature freakshows with a revolving cast of characters. And they all smell of coconut butter.
5. It's the 21st century! Only sailors and pilots know N, E, S, and W! Everyone else just dials up Map Quest on their internet equipped cell phone. Or their car computer drives them there.
6. Ah, the venerable auto. Someone should so a study on the degree (both speed and intensity) of which the brain changes state when a person gets behind the wheel. I'm sure the results would be enlightening. Don't get me started.
7. I've actually been holding ALL my farts since age 9. I'm starting to feel a bit bloated and lightheaded.
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