Why the Federal Government Should Hire Chuck Norris

Please note – these comments do not represent the feelings or opinions of my grandmother or pet rock … they should pretty much sum up anyone else’s, especially those that have cut code for the federalis …

• True Federal government scenario 1: “Glad to have you on board Mr. Smith, welcome to the first day of your contract. Oh yah, sounds like we won’t have your machine ready for about 4 days … oh yah, we haven’t requested your accounts yet … oh yah, we haven’t fully decided what you will be working on … oh yah, we don’t actually have an office, cube or even chair for you … could you just sit here on the floor for a few days and stare at the wall?”
  Chuck Norris action item: Large dose of roundhouses.
• True Federal government scenario 2: “Deploy the app to PROD? Hmmm … yes, we can do that … well, no WE can’t actually do that – we have to put a request in through our mainframe based ticket system run by 15 people. We then have to wait for that ticket to be approved by a manager, and assigned to the ticket overseer for the OPS group. Don’t worry though, as long as there are no mistakes in the ticket, like a typo or something, they should have the app deployed around the end of next week. Oh wait, I forgot Christmas is in a month … hmm, we should be good by the end of January.”
  Chuck Norris action item: Bring Delta Force out of retirement for some good old fashioned obstacle annihilation.
• True Federal government scenario 3: “Printer paper? No, sorry we’re behind budget we can’t get any this fiscal. Hey, hurry up though we’re late for the meeting in the bosses office … I can’t wait to see the demo on that freakin’ sweeeet year end money 102″ plasma!”
  Chuck Norris action item: Demonstrate your two speeds – walk and kill.
• True Federal government scenario 4: “Boy oh boy, our development process just isn’t working. We certainly picked the wrong one. What’s that you say? Development process WCKDCL will fix everything? Well, I know I’m sold – let’s do it!”
  Chuck Norris action item: Large dose of roundhouses, followed by a flurry of roundhouses with some roundhouses. Break, then repeat (since you’re the grand daddy of “agile”, this action item should be a perfect fit)
• True Federal government scenario 5: “What do you mean you developed the system in only a few days using open source tech? Are you an idiot??? Do you realize how much time and money we will end up spending on long term maintenance costs, continuous open source code change reviews, and all round open source evaluation? Re-write the system using our specially approved in house technologies – I expect to see this re-done completely in 7 months.”
  Chuck Norris action item: Chuck, we can’t help you with this one … we’re speechless … please be creative … Invasion U.S.A creative.

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